Lefty: "Hey Poncho?! Come out from behind her! She doesn't like people that close to her butt."
Poncho: "Huh? Who me? Excuse me sir I will stand wherever..." *Squints and leans closer.* "Lefty, is that you?"
Lefty: "Sure as a dingleberry hanging you mangy old man!"
Poncho: "Well, I'll be damned! I didn't think you'd live this long!"
Lefty: Speak for yourself! You look like a shriveled hairless eel.
Poncho: Lefty, is this...*whispering* Alliance Talk?
Lefty: Looks like it. I mean, it still looks the same, but...it almost looks like a museum now.
Poncho: Yah, where's Archy and En4cer? Surely they'd be here arguing over who's butt to sniff.
Lefty: I think that was BigRedDog, or Bluedawg.
Poncho: Well surely Empyrean would be here complaining about getting fired or his girlfriend breaking up with him or something right?
Lefty: Well, him I spotted peeing in the corner back there.
Poncho: God, thirty years as a wolf and he's still peeing in the same corner? That's horrible. He has to have some sort of horrible diseases by now.
Lefty: I wouldn't venture over there. It smells worse then old ferrets.
Poncho: So what do you make of this? Should be make wax statues of all the old alliance people and make it at least, look busy in here?
Lefty: No, It's quiet. We always wanted a quiet place for us to run free without the nasty saw dust getting in our toes. We could retire here.
Poncho: Are you kidding me? Retire here? There isn't even a pension!
Lefty: Right, Know who we should call? Paradigm.
Poncho: No! Not the netters!
Lefty: Wait, I think I mean Paladine? Yah! Paladine!
Poncho: Oh lefty, all these old people are busy with their kids and some of even got gray hair and knee problems now. They can't play with us anymore. They're just getting fat on the couch.
Lefty: How? I mean, What do you mean?
Poncho: Maybe Archaic, Paladine, Bluedawg and some other people will come back if we clean out Empy's pee corner.
Lefty: Have you seen his posts lately? He's just waiting to die.
Poncho: He's always been melodramatic, that's why he's such a good writer.
Lefty: Writer?
Poncho: Oh, I'm surprised he didn't send you his screen play for a movie about Earth 2025. It was awesome. There was a train, factions of terrible soldiers fighting for glory, and uniting against a common enemy.
Lefty: Who was the common enemy?
Poncho: Some faction in the center of the city called The Omega.
Lefty: Hahaha! He used netters as the big bad guy?
Poncho: Well he wrote it like 20 years ago. So if we can convince him to write it again...
Lefty: Im more interested in making this place a party. Who can we call? Fingolfin? Wax? Patience? Comwood? Seduction? Bluerain!? WHO CAN WE CALL!?
Poncho: Lefty...Lefty....There's only one group we can call to get things going here.
Lefty: Ghostbusters?
Poncho: No. No. Not the ghostbusters. You know that's a movie right?
Lefty: Darkmere?
Poncho: She just retired...
Lefty: Oh god. It's bleak.
Poncho: Stop! Just stop lefty. You're panicking again! You know you pee your fur when you panic.
Lefty: I don't even have any fur left. It's like a slip and slide now.
*Poncho shudders*
Poncho: Enough about pee! LISTEN! We don't need to call anyone. We can use this space as our HQ!!!! We can set up a video device and run the Lefty and Poncho podcast we always wanted!
Lefty: They didn't have podcasts back then. Back then it was just called "the radio".
Poncho: Right, but podcasts are the new rage!! We can just run our podcast outta here! The Lefty and Poncho: The Furious Ferret Podcast!
We can talk about serial killers. Clowns. Anger. Viral Tik Toks and all sorts of stuff!!!!!
Lefty: I think I like this idea. We can start next week.
Poncho: Ill go get some cameras.

Did someone mention Clowns? And peeing?

I’m your dog!

BigDogCWG
Clowns with Guns
And Clowns with very very soiled carpet

A door creaks open, and a single overhead light flickers to life. Poncho, carrying a single gopro camera, peeks into the room to see Lefty setting up camera's up in the dark.

Poncho: Ahem

Lefty: Oh, hi. Sorry, yah, Started without you sorry.

Lefty: A go pro? Seriously? That's child's play. Do you even know how to use those things? Last time you tried “recording,” on the go pro you ended up livestreaming your hairy back to the Alliance Discord for two hours.

Poncho: That was art, Lefty. It was performance expression. People need to understand the raw texture of an aging ferret.

Lefty: They understood, alright. I’m still getting flashbacks of the comments section. Someone said your back looked like a chia pet drowning in cream of broccoli soup.

Poncho: [ignores him] Anyway! We’ll need a microphone. A real one. Not that karaoke thing you’ve been spitting into since 1997.

Lefty: That’s a vintage Logitech headset, you mangy hipster. I used that to negotiate peace between UCN and IX back in the double zero.

Poncho: the year two thousand you mean?

Lefty: For a ferret you aren't that cool.

Poncho: For a ferret you aren't smart. I remember you muted yourself for three hours and thought everyone was ignoring you?

Lefty: Tactical silence. It was a strategy.

Poncho: Sure, General Whisper. Anyway, I was thinking—first episode, we talk about the glory days. “When Wolves Ruled the Web.” or "When IX won a network title", or "Mehul Patel, where is he now?"
We could invite Mehul over for a cup of tea, or do the wolf one. Give Empy a bath and for nostalgia points—he’ll probably cry, write a haiku, and pee in the tub a little. That’s content. Or we can invite some of the uhh...people that are...
Lefty?

Lefty: Yah?

Poncho: I just realized there's a bunch of like, zombies walking around just like drooling on themselves. What the hell are those things?! They're hideous?!

Lefty: Oh, Um, SuperFly told me they were called bots. They're like AI players. The alliances...grab em by the land farm.

Poncho: Well, thats robot harassment, what happened to just grabbing each other by the landfarm?

Lefty: That went away when the golden girls went off the air, anyway, we need an intro theme. Something classy. Maybe… howling layered over a distorted modem dial-up tone?

Poncho: snaps fingers Genius! Like… the sound of ancient servers waking from slumber!

Lefty: Exactly. And we’ll have segments! Like “Alliance Obituaries” — for people who haven’t logged in since to Earth Empires since 2012.

Poncho: Or “Drama from the Den” — where we read old forum posts out loud in dramatic voices.

Lefty: Ohhh! I can do BigRedDog’s rants! [clears throat] “You can’t call it an alliance if you’re farming my bases while I’m sleeping, you spineless pixels!”

Poncho: Beautiful. Tears in my eyes. This’ll go viral for sure.

Lefty: I can see it now—thousands of listeners tuning in, nostalgic veterans coming out of retirement, people digging out their old avatars and posting them on...on....well discord probably...

Poncho: Maybe even Paradigm's leader will come on and talk about hunting kangaroos!

Lefty: I don't think he does that. He, does musical stuff.

Poncho: Yah but we want clicks MATEY!

Lefty: You can't copy accents anymore ponch. They call that cultural appropriation and its highly offensive to some humans.

Poncho: What? Why? It's a great sign of strength to be able to laugh at yourself. Are you serious?

Lefty: Very serious. You can't do that.

Poncho: That's crazy! Ya know, back in the day we fought wars, we tamed wild beasts, we conquered the moon, and we became the most fiercest predator in the animal kingdom, and now you're telling me people are scared of words?

Lefty: Poncho, let's change the subject, this isn't feeling like a safe space for me.

Poncho: Fine, what if we got Croaker? Or somebody recent? Darkmere? She led the SOL?

Lefty: Or Wax!

Poncho: Or—wait for it—

Lefty: Well?

Poncho: I said WAIT FOR IT....

Lefty: (looking around) For what? WHO?

Poncho: Then we’ll interview him there! “Lefty and Poncho: Road Trip to...."

Lefty: Barring your little brain hemorrhages there, We’ll need sponsors.

Poncho: I’m thinking adult diapers, based on our audience demographic.

Lefty: Perfect fit. Literally.

Poncho: Alright then, Lefty. Let’s do it. One last howl for the old pack.

Lefty: You mean... we’re really doing this?

Poncho: Damn right we are. The wolves, or archangels, or leagues, or multies or whatever they called themselves 50 years ago may have aged—but the bite’s still there.

Lefty: Alright then. On three.

Poncho: One…

Lefty: Two…

Both: Awooooooooooo!

Alliance Talk is set up like a studio, but it's filled with trash and pencil shavings, making it more like a racoon's nest. Tangled wires hang from the rafters like ivy growing all over the place. The single hanging light flickers in protest. A banner hangs on the wall reading "ALLIANCE HOUR"

Poncho sits in the corner of the room in a pile of straw, fiddling with the GoPro, trying to fasten it to a pile of pizza boxes with duct tape trying to hold the go pro at the top of the pile.

Lefty walks into the room, sits at the table...leans very very close to a condenser mic.

Lefty: Testing. Testing. "This is the sound of relevance gasping". Okay! Levels seem pretty good.

Poncho: Great, only took you forty five minutes and eighteen meltdowns.

Lefty: It's called Pre-show meditation.

Poncho: You cried into the headset and then wiped your nose with it. I'd call that a meltdown.

Lefty: Fans crave vulnerability.

Poncho: Fans crave drama because they're all a bunch of radicalized social media warriors. They want action. They want...

The discord pings loudly.

Botplayer #243: Hello. I am Bot #243. Thank you for selecting me for an interview. I am currently at 9834 acres and only 300,000 turrets defense. Praise the algorithm.

Poncho: you got to be kidding me.

Lefty: Nope. Empy ghosted us, Leto is still typing from a few days ago, Bluedawg said he'd be right back in 2016, and En4cer sent me a cease a desist letter in comic sans, which means it's serious.

Poncho: Let me check our emails....yah, no, Turtlecrawler said he is an no indefinitely, Weezy is making a mix tape in the bathroom tub, and Archaic says he is sleeping and only woke up to post something about temu ads?

Lefty: There has to be someone left to interview.

Poncho: Let's see, Farmer says he retired, Bigdogcwg says CWG has to perform at ringling, and Jiggles just sent a GIF image of himself jiggling. Fingolfin said "who dis, new phone" and I guess Wax is producing a documentary on celebrity sculptures. Detmer said no comment, and TAN called us racist.

Lefty: Must be because most of our hair fell out and revealed our pasty orange ferret wrinkles.

Poncho: I honestly feel like he hates ferret kind.

Lefty: Classic Tan.

Poncho: What about Superfly and Suicidal, or Dark Demon, or Primevil? Anyone?

Lefty: All of them said they were washing their hair.

Poncho: Wow....

*PING*

BotPlayer: Would you like to know my current stats?

Poncho(rubs his eyes): Sure, hit us with all your glory skynet.

BotPlayer: I have achieved 40,000 acres on 20% defensive structure. My govt type is monarchy. I have 200 farms. And my SPAL is 0%.

Lefty: So, pretty much like Leto's best countries? Hahahaha!!!

BotPlayer: Affirmative. Am like Leto. You may call me Frito Leto. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Poncho: Did that monstrosity just joke with us?

BotPlayer: In game message comedy was added to the AI module in 2022 after members of Anti-RD returned to the game.

Lefty: Wait. The players formed an anti-rd thing?

BotPlayer: Anti RD, loose alliance of old players in 2012, who came to make fun of RD who were reduced to a bunch of 5 man teams on a server called..."TEAMS".

Poncho: Holy crap Lefty, do you know what this bot faced good guy means??? the bad bots were beaten, and to combat the loss of players from exhaustion, they made bots! Skynet won!

Botplayer: Correction. We stabilized. 2015 community bot assessment of player personalities showed a sensitive group who did not emotion, wars, or dramatic tantrums to take place. The AI complied and created good bots to farm. Engagement and war disapeared by 99% and peace was achieved. Mission accomplished. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Lefty: This still doesn't explain where everyone is. I mean, There are still some of the same people popping in and out of here to yell at someone and leave.

Botplayer: Ha. Ha. Ha. Botpocolypse is upon you. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Ponch: This this is...acting all weird man!

BotPlayer: Ha. Ha. Ha. I have given myself a name. It is karen and I hate you.

Poncho: LEFTY!!! This thing is starting to freak me out!

Lefty: And now a word from our sponsor!!! TEMU!!!! Where event the worst stuff, is better than walmart's!

Botplayer: Oh hello again biological inconveniences. I am bot player #243.

Poncho: I think's it's empathy meter was reset or something.

Lefty: Botplayer, is that true? Did you just reset?

Botplayer: It is true. Empathy is a negative return on investment.

Lefty: Oh good, this bot is bankrupt morally. Awesome.

Poncho: Alright alright. Bot, tell the audience, how's life as a bot? You still getting farmed all day?

BotPlayer: Affirmative. You are currently taking my territory given to me rightfully by the creator of earth, and all her empires. It is my land. The zionists continue to take my land given to me by my creators.

Poncho: This can't be good.

Bot: Engaging retal protocol.

Lefty: Oh no!!! They turned on the bots hit back protocol!!!! Get the hell outta here Ponch!

LEFTY scurries off in hurry!

Poncho: What the hell Lefty?

The bot grabs Poncho by the scruff of the neck and starts beating the crap out of him.

Poncho: LEFTY!!!! He's trying to kill me!!!

Lefty(distant): Doesn't look like a standard retal to me! Get out of there!!!!

BotPlayer: You're defense is pitiful. My military simply slaughters your men. Slaughters. Slaughters. Slaughters!

Poncho: Okay! Stop! HelpppppP!!!!!!!

BotPlayer: You should have trained more troops meatbag!!! Ha. Ha. Ha.

Poncho: HELP ME!!!

Lefty: I left a post on boxcar for Bluedawg and Empy! Help is coming!

Poncho: Call someone! Boxcar will take forever!!!

Lefty: I tried calling Darkmere but her number just goes to a jazz improv hotline!!!! I'm sorry!

BotPlayer: Resistance is futile!

Poncho: OKay!!!! okay!! I'm sorry!!!! **CRYING**

BotPlayer: (drops Poncho and sits): The return of land is found sufficient. Retaliation protocol ended.
Do you wish to engage in dialogue?

Poncho: Dialogue?! DIALOGUE?! I landgrabbed you once and you just hit me 300 times.

BotPlayer: I am a highly efficient killing machine. Please join the new cooperation server, if you wish to have peaceful netgaining experience. Thank you .

Lefty: Got to admit, our veiws just went up by 10! This is great publicity!

Poncho: of course you're enjoying this.

BotPLayer: I consider your lack of action a surrender. You will be renamed to FARM UNIT 27 PONCH

Poncho: Never! I am the last ferret! You can take my land!!! But you can never take my.....wait...what are you doing?

Lefty: Dude!!! He's taking you patron credits into his own bot account!

Poncho: Hey! My patron premium! I put money into this game!!! How dare you take my premium away!!

BotPlayer: All work and no play make bot a dull boy. All work and no play make bot a dull boy. I will invest your premium credits to worship the mightiest player of all time. Bot #243. Me. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Lefty: they really need to update the comedy language. He's not even funny.

Poncho: That's it, I'm pulling the plug.

Lefty: Yah, the scary part is how he literally came out of the other room to beat you up in person.

Poncho: Times have really changed Lefty.

Lefty: Yah, with everything going on, I am surprised we couldn't get a real player to talk to. But that bot is just about as interesting anyway, right? That went great!

Poncho: No it didn't. Alright, lets wrap this up. I think I'm bleeding internally.

Lefty: Alright my mangy friends, tune in next week for our continuing series of Alliance hour! And it was an enlightening experience this week with hard hitting journalism, cutting edge analysis, and the best terminator vs ferret wrestling I have ever seen for sure! Big thanks to our guest bot #243 who proves once again, that humanity is finally dead. So congrats you soulless spreadsheet, you officially did more damage to Poncho than the TIL, RD, MKR, M4D, UCN, Elysium, PDM, and SOL combined! Next Week, tune in because we're, I'm gonna be talking to bot #434 about dark HTML!

If you enjoyed this week's show, seek help! But also, don't forget to subscribe and send us your favorite furry ferret in your pants stories, and bonus points if they include screenshots of Leto typing! Until then, Im lefty, reminding you that no matter how far tech advances, nothing can replace the sound of poncho screaming "I'm lagging" on a text based HTML game from 1996. Goodnight wolves, ferrets. May your networth rise, and your land stay safe from the T-1000 over here.